The Cackle Factor
What would we do if we couldn’t laugh at people and the things they do? I'm usually not the type of guy who sits around just talking about people. Ask my wife. I don't believe in that. But this is a special occasion and there are those things that people do that just make me cackle like a big fat hen. If you didn’t find humor in these things before, you will now. Here a list of 10 of the funniest things I ever did see rated by my Cackle Rating System. The Cackle Factor is calculated this way: Volume of initial roar (in decibels) ÷ Height of vertical jump (in inches) x Distance stumbled across the room (in feet) + number of knee slaps. It usually computes to a number less than 100. After that, it helps to sprinkle in a pinch of ridicule, for it brings out the essence of the cackle for its utmost potential. On we go. Number 10: When a person has a cold or allergies, watch when they blow their nose and then examine what comes out. What are they looking at? Is it the color or the texture? I don't know. But that merely makes me smile. What makes me cackle is when they sniff the stuff back into their brain after they blow. Cackle Factor: 60.3 Number 9: Only sports fans will appreciate this one. Have you ever seen professional athletes play in "competitive" exhibitions, such as in football or basketball? I saw part of a celebrity basketball game during the NBA All-Star break about a year or two ago that put NBA players on teams with actors, rappers and other superstars. These games aren't staged as any kind of tryout nor is anyone going to receive any endorsement deal as a result of their performance in this stupid game. So it was cackle-able when Richard Jefferson of the New Jersey Nets began taking the ball to the hole with force, rebounding like Rodman and dunking on people with fierceness. The same concept applies during Pro Bowl weekend in the NFL except they are a bit smarter as they do not allow non-NFL players participate in these activities. But when it came time for the 40 yard dash (and the unofficial title of "NFLs Fastest Man") dudes got their game faces on and started talking like they what they were about to do actually meant something to the rest of the world. The thing that is more amusing is that the winner, Allen Rossum of the Atlanta Falcons, kicked and roared for the cameras then had the nerve to flex after the race as if he did something of importance. I was uncomfortable with the embarrassment I felt for these guys. Nonetheless, I cackle about with great pleasure. Cackle Factor: 62.2 Number 8: Sports fans who are too much into their favorite team. The true fanatics. You know you’ve reached this point when you start referring to your team, whether it be football, basketball, baseball or NASCAR, as ‘WE’. “We got the lead on ‘em and just couldn’t hold ‘em at the end. But we’ll be back and ready to go again next week.” Listen, son - If the owner barely has the right to say ‘WE’ when it comes to commenting on a game, then you definitely don’t have it. Especially in NASCAR. That’s messed up. You must be cackled on. Cackle Factor: 68.1 Number 7: People who wear sunglasses indoors and then walk like they think they can’t be stopped. Well, stop it right now. You ain't no fashion model!!! Don’t make me talk about you as I walk by, Mr. Fabu-cackle-lous. Cackle Factor: 84.7 Number 6: When people keep talking on their cell phone after they enter a quiet place, such as a library or classroom. Talking all loud and laughing and stuff...it’s even worse when you do that as you rock your sunglasses indoors. You gets no points for that – only the ones you get when you get cackle-lackled on. Cackle Factor: 87.4 Number 5: Excuse me, but there are people who are…how should I say it? Blessed with girth? Ah, forget it, they’re FAT!!! It’s okay to be fat, but just don’t be in denial about it. Fat people can look good and those people are exempt from this entry. I’m talking about the other ones – you know who they are. As the waistline increases, the pants / skirt size decreases. You could probably squeeze it in if you had just one more diet pepsi with those chicken cheddar chili fries. I’m not mad at you – you just have much cackle-worthiness. Cackle Factor: 89.3 Number 4: Right word, wrong placement. "He needed to really know his stuff so he would be able to discriminate that message to his people." "Ooh, she looks so eloquent tonight!" "You know, those magicians were excellent! I haven’t heard music that good in a long time.” Cackle Factor: 94.6 Number 3: Black people who believe that people like Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan bring credibility to the race. The only race is going on is the one involving those above and the like vying to become the next Martin Luther "The" King, Jr. Concerning that race, they've all been disqualified. I just have to cackle because if I don’t I may go insane trying to understand how you are falling for the charade. Unshackle thyself!! Just because CNN televises an event doesn’t mean it’s for your good. And don’t call me African-American – it doesn't really matter. I'm black! He's white! She's yellow! Who cares?!! Furthermore, please don’t try to tell me I didn't contribute to saving my race since I didn't march with you to the steps of the White House. You have high cackle-itude. Cackle Factor: 97.1 Number 2: Louisville Cardinals football. Welcome to the big time. On this level, kids don’t run away just because you bark. Not even when you bite once or twice. You have to take your bites, chew them up and spit them out. Say it with me: “Bite, chew, spit.” Then you have to keep doing it until the clock’s last set of 0:00. Now you know, son. Welcome to the game. Thanks for playing. Goodbye now. Cackle Factor: 109.4 Number 1: You're sitting in church during the preaching. It's coming and you know you can't stop it. It's a surprise sneeze that's so strong that it brings another surprise along with it out the other end. I mean, we've all done it so we can handle that you toodled during the quietest part of the service, which justifies many a cackle in itself. What takes this cackle to another level is the fact that you act like you don't do that. Now see?!! That's cackle-liciousness! Cackle Factor: 172.8 Don't forget to get your cackle on today. Do it loud and be real proud. Jump real high then stomp the ground. It don't matter who all's around. ©2005 warmCHiL™/MJStyle I don't consider myself a writer. I only speak from my heart - it doesn't lie. |
Other Football System Articles
The Usage Of Too Many Metaphors And Metonymy Can Make Your Paper Less Effective We often use metaphors in our written and spoken languages to show one thing within terms of another. It is sometimes very useful to use a different set of words and phrases to compare one thing with another. Your language can become more colorful if combined with different bodies of speech on the background of simple words and sentences. Anot ...Fantasy Football Tips It's no secret, the most important day of your fantasy football league is the draft. If you mess this up you basically have very little chance to win. However, if you draft to perfection you'll probably be successful. The big question is weather you draft the player with the best value or the player at the position that you need. Example, you ha ...Betting Trends I like match-ups and situational handicapping. This includes such things as strengths against weaknesses, bad lines, homecoming and revenge spots. I'm not big into betting trends. Trends can be dangerous. Some novice sports bettors think, “This team has lost 3 straight against the number, that means they're more likely to cover this game.” Well, ...A 'NO B.S.' Explanation of Spread Betting For Newbies Note: The goal of this article is to give you the basic idea and an overview of what index betting. It is not meant to be a comprehensive and detailed explanation of the game.Index betting, otherwise referred as Spread Betting is a bet type, where you are rewarded by the degree, in which you are correct in selecting a winner of a sporting ...How to Find the Best Poker Chips Poker Chips are probably the most important factor in creating the right atmosphere and feel for your home poker game.Although you get varying quality of playing cards, at the end of the day cards are just cards. And although it would be nice to have a tournament standard poker table to play on, pretty much any old table can be used. But ...Poker: Playing at the Final Table There are Two Ways to GoThis is one situation where you may consider employing some of those super-savvy poker moves that you've seen the pros use. If you've been involved in a fairly large tournament with respect to the field size and/or buy-in, players will usually try to play pretty smart when they get down to the final table. Why shou ...Poker in the Sky? Do you want to get some quick tutorials on poker? You can do this while traveling from one place to another by air. What appears to be an innovative learning technique for poker passionate people, they will now be able to get some tips while flying in the air to their favorite poker tournament or poker room.The online poker site The World ...Responsible Online Gambling Responsible Online Gambling should be the first and most important factor when considering playing at any online casino. As a player there are concerns you should have before starting to play at an online casino.Funding your real player account should be the most important factor before you start to gamble online. If you are going to us ...Las Vegas "Whales" What Las Vegas jargon names "whales" is in fact the creme of the high rollers species. They are a handful of people that in some opinions don't exceed 500 individuals in the world. Las Vegas hoteliers are nuts about them; some claim four or five of those whales bet much more than the rest of the thousands customers they receive daily. No wonder ...College Football Betting - Totals Betting totals in college football is very different than betting totals in the NFL. I’ll give you one example. In college football, the home team usually dictates the pace of the game.This happens in the pros as well but more so in the college ranks. If the home team is a run and gun team, they will make the other team run and gun as w ...7 Steps You Should Take To Be Successful At Online Football Betting Sports Betting on the NFL and college football is a national pastime. Every week millions of dollars are bet on the home town favorites with local bookies. People bet even more money with online sports book agencies. Even the major news services publish all the betting stats. If you're going to bet money on games, you might as well be as informe ...Inside the Boxscores Week 10 Part 2 Inside the Boxscores is a weekly feature from Matt Fargo that has been widely recognized as the best summation in college football. He takes an in-depth look at each game and pulls out the most pertinent information that will help you handicap games in the future. College football is filled with quirky plays, misleading scores and surprise endin ...Online Poker Room Tips If you have already given online poker a try, you know how much fun you can have. However now that you’ve played a few games, you may be looking for a few online poker room tips to improve your play and help you win more money. A great place to start looking for online poker room tips is right at the site you play on. You can find lots of valuab ...Stop Gambling Addiction Compulsive gambler finds a stop gambling addiction website they believe meets their needs after numerous failed attempts. They finally realize their gambling addiction is totally out of control and they have lost respect from family and friends.Stop gambling addiction website understands what the compulsive gamblers need in order to ove ...PGA Championship Preview Medinah Country Club – Medinah, IllinoisWelcome to the new Medinah. The PGA Championship returns to this historic course outside of Chicago and it is going to be quite the test for the greatest players in the world. Not only is this the longest course in major history but tight fairways, re-contoured greens and tall vegetation are going t ...NFC South 2006 Previews and Projections NFC Southern Division:1) Carolina: Panther HC John Fox was a first year head man when he was hired following the Panthers dismal 1-15 season in 2001, in Fox’s first season as the man he was able to compile a record of 7-9 which was a six game win improvement over the previous season and over the past three years Fox has managed to compile ...The GOP In 2008: Overview and Analysis (Second of three parts) III. ALAN KEYES:Alan Keyes is a Maryland resident and former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations Social and Economic Council under Ronald Reagan. He earned a Ph.D. in government affairs from Harvard in 1979 and is also the host the radio call-in show, "America's Wake-Up Call: The Alan Keyes Show." He launched his first bid for the Sena ...Swim With the Current You’ve probably heard me say over and over that “80% of your return on your portfolio comes from the market and the sector.” But what the heck does that really mean?In June 1998, Investor’s Business Daily summarized two studies on the causes of stock- price movement in two books: The New Science of Investing, by Dr. Robert Hagen a ...Blackjack : Using Simple Math to Create Value One of the most popular table games in the casino is Blackjack. Perhaps this is because it’s an easy game to learn or maybe people feel in control. Blackjack is a game where the player’s input can aid in determining the final outcome. Very few people bet the same amount every single hand in a playing session. Most people alter their bets whe ...Premiership Title Race - Liverpool Fall at First Hurdle At the start of the 2006/2007 Premiership season many pundits predicted that the Premiership title race would be between four teams: Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal.Now the league is at the quarter mark has one of the contenders already fallen at the first hurdle?During the summer Liverpool assembled one of their ...Las Vegas Sportsbook For many people who enjoy betting on sporting events the place to go is to a Las Vegas sportsbook. Placing a bet with a Las Vegas sportsbook is easy and convenient. You can get the information on betting odds, betting lines, and point spreads instantly and use this information to decide what bets to make and how much to bet. All you have to do i ...You Don't Need More Traffic to Make More Money Every website owner has a somewhat unhealthy obsession with driving more traffic to their site. We all want more traffic, if for nothing else to be able to brag to others how many unique visitors we've received. Competition among web owners aside, actually doing something with that traffic is equally as important as getting it. Yet for some r ...College Football College football is getting to be as popular as professional football. In some areas of the country, college football is a lot more popular than NFL football. In Nebraska for example, Memorial stadium in Lincoln becomes the state’s third largest city on home football game days. The stadium becomes a sea of red as fans dress in the team colors ...College Football: Auburn Rising Do you believe in Auburn?Do you believe that in the rugged Southeastern Conference, a team can actually go undefeated in 2006, then win the SEC title game in Atlanta, to play in the BCS championship game? Can a team vanquish LSU, Florida and Georgia in the same year, and then struggle through a possible rematch (or a date with Tennessee) ...Travel to Milan, Italy Situated in the North of Italy, Milan is the largest city in the province of Lombardy and second largest city in Italy.Milan is the business hub of Italy and a very busy city to visit at any time of year.Home to the Last Supper, by Leonardo da Vinci, Milan has a rich history in art and has some of the most priceless works of art on ...I Hate, And Thats Not All Bad I hate the way our Government is acting!I wonder sometimes if that is a throwback in my gene pool. We never liked the Government (we were under at least four here in this country!), but did fight for the nation, as Spies; Soldiers; and Patriots.) Much. We always died for our country, not the Government.Why this hatred all throughou ...
|
