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Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians
- "Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie) - "It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie) - "Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie) - "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
-- George Burns - "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
-- George Burns - "For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
-- George Burns - "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
-- George Burns - "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
-- George Burns - "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
-- Johnny Carson - "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
-- Johnny Carson - "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
-- Johnny Carson - "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."
-- Johnny Carson - "The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
-- Johnny Carson - "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
Bill Cosby - ""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""
Bill Cosby - "Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
Bill Cosby - "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
Bill Cosby - "I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
Bill Cosby - "Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
Bill Cosby - "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-- Rita Rudner - "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
-- Rita Rudner - "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-- Rita Rudner - "I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
-- Rita Rudner - "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner - "Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
-- Rita Rudner - "I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
-- Steven Wright - "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
-- Steven Wright - "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright - "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
-- Steven Wright - "Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
-- Steven Wright
Resource Box - © Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of BellaOnline Quotations Zine
- A free newsletter for quote lovers featuring more than 10,000 quotations in dozens of categories like - love, friendship, children, inspiration, success, wisdom, family, life, and many more; plus freebies and links to related resources. All new subscribers get one free ad. Read it - http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp |
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"Briliant horse racing system that makes me foresee the race. Couldn't wait to put real money"
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S. Reid, Nottingham - UK
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"Paper test 6 days, only 1 slightly losing day, the other 5 are winning days! Great horse racing system!Thanks for sharing"
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T. OBrien, Warminster-UK
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"Having purchased this horse racing system and contacted the the system provider on a few occasions to confirm I have the correct selection I have found him very helpful and sincere and I am sure I am now on my way to a TAX free 2nd income ..."
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J. Ritchie, Edinburgh - UK
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"After purchasing many systems that you see online I knew that there would have to be one out there that actually worked. Needless to say I finally found this system that produces winner after winner and if you are a normal punter like myself and you want to start getting your money back of the bookie then I highly recommend that you purchase this horse racing system. You won't be disappointed"
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Brian Lawless - Ireland
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"I used to subscribe to a £300 monthly tipping service, now I got my own picks with even better ROI at bargaining price. Hope this horse racing system goes well! Good luck"
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S. Lewis, Sheffield-UK
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"No broken promises and no unrealistic claims. You get exactly what it says. Great horse racing system"
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T. Charlton, Nantwich - UK
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"I'd let you know that either I've been incredibly lucky or your system is far too good to be on the market! I can't keep sneaking off to my computer every day. Sorry to be cheeky, but I'm on a roll now, my bank has doubled now and I have every confidence to double my stake WOW! Your system is a genuine one based on sound thinking and it works, anyone who can't make money from it just shouldn't be gambling!"
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Steven Trindall, Doncaster - UK
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"Why didn't I think of this method before? I've never noticed such invaluable info. You have an amazing approach indeed. Highly recommended. Well done"
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R. Mattingley, Wokingham - UK
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"I only recently purchased and started using the Golden Star System, I have to say the profits and service have been first class, emails are answered promptly and I couldn't ask for more!"
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Michael White, Ipswich - UK
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"I just wanted to let you know that I have been using your system for a couple of months now and the results have been exactly as you predicted. I would also like to thank you for your excellent service since I purchased the system. You have answered all of my queries promptly and with patience. Please let me know if you ever create another system as I will want to be first in the queue"
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Mark Johnson, Markfield - UK
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"Congratulations once again on a 100% week. I could write for hours about how impressed I am at this horse racing system, but I don't need to because you know the effort you put on it ;-)"
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B. More, Worcester - UK
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"Always busy at my main job and didn't like to bet again but I was so lucky decided to buy this superb horse racing system. Nothing can deny the profitability of it. Money just keeps coming into my Betfair account. I'm asking my 9th years old son to do it for me! Such a simple and efficient method"
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M. Williams, Arbroath - UK
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"Excellent betting system! If I were you, I would sell this at much higher price. Good luck with your business"
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M. Cornick, Martins Heron - UK
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"What a system! Very well researched method with sensible principles!"
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T. May, East Lothian-UK
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"I bought your system about a month and a half ago from you and this message is just to say thank you for a great system. Like anything in life the system as it's up's and down's but never losses it's 60%+ strike rate. I have bought a lot of so called 80%+ strike rate systems before but yours is the only system that works for me."
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Steven Trindall, Doncaster - UK
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"I bought yesterday your Golden Star horse racing system and let me tell you, I'm blown away. The concept is great! So much, that I'm sitting now and wondering why I punish myself beside computer all day. OK, thanks again - I'm in seventh heaven."
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D. Gentle, Peterborough - UK
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