That Spam-I-Am, I Do Not Like That Spam-I-Am
If Spam were the ham-want-a-be instead of junk e-mail, I could say you are what you eat. That’s because Spam is supposed to be a reflection of who you are, based on the websites you visit and the cookies that follow you home. I have the obligatory bulk mail folder that fills up faster than the New Orleans levies during Katrina. But, it’s a social phenomenon that deserves closer scrutiny. In the interest of scientific investigation and self-diagnosis, I’ll share some recent e-mails and what it tells you about my pathetic life. I’ll break it down by e-mail subject and what I think it means. (1) Penis enlargements Cheap! – How do they know my size? (2) Refinance Before it’s Too Late – Too late for what? To pay the refinance charge? (3) Viagra on Sale – Is my poor performance showing? (4) Nigerian Attorney Needs Your Attention – I wonder what that’s all about? (5) Get Your Free I-Pod – Who says nothing is free anymore? (6) Get Paid While You Sleep _ Who said if you snooze, you lose. (7) Hot Chicks in Your Area – Does that mean the KFC around the corner? (8) E-Bay tips for Dummies – Who are you calling a dummy? (9) We have Found Your Missing Money – Did you go under my sofa cushions again? (10) Invitation From Donald Trump – I get to hear “You’re Fired” in person (11) Drug Rehab Center – Gotta kick that Tylenol (12) Stop Paying Taxes! – And start going to prison, right? (13) A Payday Loan to Cure Your Problem – Like getting stupid Spam mail? (14) Great Careers Opportunity – Did I mention I’m retired? (15) Party Poker Your Way – Like cheating to win? (16) Get Your Degree Online - I always wanted to be a rocket scientist. (17) A Woman Wants You – This must be from my daughter needing money (18) Costa Rica Land is Yours – Funny, I don’t remember ordering any. (19) Spanish Lottery Winner – Send me my pecos ASAP, por favor. (20) Gas Savings Instantly – Should I stop eating beans? So now you know all my inner-most secrets about where I go on the Internet in my spare time and how it judges me. I guess I should stick to the basic news and travel sites because they should be safe enough. Unless I decide that the “Baghdad Cruise Special” I just received, is worth checking out. Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising and has a Master's Degree from Monmouth University. He had his own advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, "Pursuit of the Phoenix," available at amazon.com. His latest book is, "Inside the Yellow Pages." Currently, he is the Marketing Director for http://www.thenurseschoice.com, a Health Information and Doctor Referral site. |
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